


Nights Like This

by duster



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, and pap is a really good bro, basically the typical sans is sad thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 22:56:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6061249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duster/pseuds/duster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He thinks magic is the only reason he's still alive now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nights Like This

**Author's Note:**

> i had a bad night and wrote this out in a blur of emotions basically. i ended up crying because i hadn't realized what i really needed to hear. the ending is pretty dear to my heart.

It was nights like this that made him question how the hell he even was alive. He was a literal fucking skeleton. Magic was practically all that made up what he was. It was what held him together, essentially. Because he really did need something to hold him together. He was a fucking mess.

It had been a year. A _year_ since they’d gotten out. A full rotation of the earth around the sun and he hadn’t fucking gotten over it. It was still with him. Stuck on him like a disease. Memories and hauntings. Feelings and urges. He couldn’t let it go. After all this time he was still at square one.

He’d really fallen apart a few months back. He was such a mess of trying to keep up a regular life and pretend he was fine and unaffected. He had had a job, once. Got fired because he missed too many days. He laughed it off with his brother, just said he’d try harder next time. Maybe stop sleeping in. But it wasn’t that.

Sans was depressed. He knew it. He knew the signs. He also knew PTSD when he saw it. And probably an anxiety disorder on top of that. But he told himself he was fine. It was all fucking fine. He was so used to just dealing with things.

Even after the first few weeks of being on the Surface and he couldn’t manage to leave the house because he was so scared of living with consequences. Something he couldn’t remember dealing with. He was used to it all eventually resetting. And in the Underground, he knew how to hide his pain and fear. He learned exactly what to say after months of living the same days over and over. It had become a script for him to memorize. Now it was like he was constantly having stage fright. Sometimes he wouldn’t know how to hide his fear or be comfortable with surprises.

In the end, he told himself he didn’t have it bad. There were other things to deal with. Like Frisk. They hadn’t made it out of there without being scarred. They had nightmares constantly. He couldn’t imagine being in their place and reliving murdering friends every night like that. It had taken him a while to get comfortable with it, but he had taken the kid in a lot and talked to them about it. He held nothing against them. It wasn’t really them. And it was over, in the past. They still went to a therapist, after dealing with it for a few months. Toriel picked up on their sleeplessness and panic attacks pretty quick. She was a great mother.

But him. Heh. He played it off. Like the comedian he was. He was best at that. Pretending the big things were small and making jokes out of the serious. Papyrus knew there was something wrong, but when he tried to push and ask him, Sans would manage to slip through the cracks and avoid the confrontation. Alphys knew. Oh, she knew. She experienced the same problems, though, in a different way. Sans related to her a lot, and they did hang out sometimes. But she never got close enough to Sans, or maybe it was that Sans didn’t let her get close. Either way, she couldn’t gently pry it out of him.

No one could. He managed to convince himself he was fine.

That was a few months ago.

Last week, he’d cracked. He woke up screaming again. Papyrus came running. Managed to calm him down from his panic. All Sans could do was cry. He had no more energy to fight. He held onto his brother for dear life as his ocean of fear and torment rose too high. He felt like he was drowning, clutching Papyrus like he would bring him afloat.

Sans didn’t remember that night fondly. He actually remembers it as one of his worst nights. He couldn’t stand living. He wanted _so badly_ to die. And the thoughts kept coming. He wanted to end this torment. He didn’t want to feel like this constantly anymore. But there was no way out. He hated himself so much. Everything was a mess and he was just a waste of time and effort. Nothing was changing. He couldn’t make it through this.

It had taken a lot to get Sans to talk to his brother. It was hard for him to explain himself and to let it out. He hadn’t done that – ever. It was intimidating to realize someone could know him so fully and completely, with all his flaws and faults out on display. He could see nothing but failures and uselessness.

He ended up talking to Papyrus right after dinner, the next day. Papyrus had been waiting patiently all day for his brother to come talk to him. Sans figured he had to be frustrated at least a little bit.

They had been sitting on the couch. Sans was curled up next to the arm with a pillow in his clutches and his head on top of it. Papyrus was stretching his legs out on the rest of the couch, watching some human program on the TV.

All Papyrus had done was gently ask his brother what was on his mind during a commercial break. Sans just fell apart after that. He explained through sobs and shuddering how he felt and what had happened. And all this mess fell onto the floor of the room, on display for both of them to see.

It had really taken a long time for Sans to make sense. Papyrus ended up only getting bits and pieces. But the fact that he had finally opened up to tell his brother was the important part. And now that Papyrus knew his brother was suffering, and he realized he needed to help a lot more.

So, a week later. Sans was still feeling awful. But maybe a little less awful. He told Papyrus in full detail about the timelines and resets and how Frisk had really been the cause of it all, even though it was none of their fault. Papyrus hadn’t mentioned to others what exactly was the problem, but he did say Sans wasn’t doing well. Alphys came over a bit and talked to Sans. Toriel ventured over and made them pie while working on puzzles. It was comforting, if nothing else, that he had friends who cared.

But the thing was, the thoughts never really leave. They stay, imbedded in the mind and appearing when you are at the lowest you can be. They thrive at night when there are no distractions and no one around to comfort you. They pick at the flaws and the issues and bring about all the hatred and fear.

It was when Sans felt like he wanted to die. Even though he knew he shouldn’t, knew he wouldn’t. The idea stuck with him. As an easy escape. Lodged in his head and consuming all of his energy and focus. Everything was so hard. Why did he even want to live like this anymore?

Sans clutched at his pillow and let the sweat and tears mingle on his skull. He was so tired of all of this.

The door cracked open and Sans managed to lift his head. Papyrus stood in the doorway, illuminated by a soft light from his own bedroom. He didn’t say anything. He just walked over to Sans’ bed.

Sans shoved his head further into the pillow, in an effort to hide. He felt a hand on his shoulder and shook his head. He mumbled into the pillow.

Papyrus released his hand from Sans’ shoulder and sat down on the bed.

“What was that?” he asked gently.

Sans pulled his head from the pillow so he could be heard.

“’M not worth it.”

“Oh, Sans.”

Arms enveloped his small body and he couldn’t help but release a sob. He clutched tighter at the pillow sheet as his own brother held on to him just as tight.

“I’m not letting you go,” Papyrus said. “You are very much worth it to me.”

Sans kept shaking his head, but Papyrus didn’t stop. He kept talking, whispering encouragement to his brother.

It was then that Sans realized there was more keeping him together than just magic.


End file.
